25. "When a Stranger Calls" (2006) - 3/10
Boring cover. Boring movie.
Yes, it's a remake. While it isn't terrible it's clear that this is marketed at a PG-13 audience. It's too bad because this could have been a good film and it does have some pretty good moments. Simon West once made Con Air, but is now demoted to making crappy action (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider) and remake this.
24. "Lake Placid 2" (2007) - 3/10
I've read plenty of hate for this TV movie sequel. It's not a good film and the CGI is ATROCIOUS, but it provides a little gore and nudity along the way making it bearable. Just.
23. "Decoys 2: Alien Seduction" (2007) - 3/10
The opening theme just screamed that this is a tongue-in-cheek version of Species. A little humour and a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity is all I asked for. I didn't get it. I won't be in any hurry to see the first one.
Upon viewing I was surprised that no one had sued it for plagiarizing "Rear Window". Eventually someone did. Fortunately! I have to get off my chest that I can’t stand frickin' Shia Labeouf! He spends the first 45 minutes whoring various products. "Aah! Nothing like a bottle of Coke when you're fly fishing!" Apart from the shameless product placements the film itself is moderately interesting, but it never manages to escape its cynical conception. Watch "Rear Window" instead. You'll have a much better and more satisfying time.
21. "Captivity" (2007) - 3/10
From the director of "The Killing Fields" and "The Mission" comes... "Captivity". What? This isn't right. This is wrong. This is very wrong. I can't believe Larry Cohen helped write the screenplay for this crap. Most of the film is just really dull. Eventually it takes some unexpectedly nasty turns, without making you care. People warned me. I should have listened.
Brian Yuzna is a hit-and-miss director. With Faust he misses. You will laugh in disbelief. There is definitely some creative forces at work here, but they can't make sense of it. The one thing I really noticed about the film was Jeffrey Combs' sideburns. They were cool and that should give you an indication of just how "great" this film was. Like a car wreck. You can't stop watching even though it's awful.
19. "Zombie 5: Killing Birds" (1987) - 1/10 or 10/10?
Here is a zen exercise of a movie! I don't hate this film, I really don't, I pity it. This is an accidental movie. It was never intended for this world. Most of the time there is nothing going on. Our dumb students are looking for birds and come across and old house. Before this they walk. Then they walk into the old house. Finally something is happening, I thought, but in an unexpected turn of events they walk OUT of the house again. They walk around sensing something is not right. Eventually they discover it. Robert Vaughn (there's an interview with him on the DVD!) has his eyes pecked out by what is presumably the killing birds accompanied by some really bad special effects. There is a zombie here too. I think. For some reason I actually recommend this film. Despite the fact that this should never have existed it, Zombie 5 somehow managed to get made. It's 90 minutes of nothingness. It's the most tranquil film I've ever seen. Weird. Really fucking weird.
18. "The Return to House on Haunted Hill" (2007) - 3/10
They shouldn't have returned! Neither should the lousy CGI. I wish I had more to say. No, that's a lie.
17. "The Invasion" (2007) - 3/10
I think this concept is something worth remaking once each decade. That is unless, you make it like this. The body snatchers concept is scary as hell. Too bad Hollywood inhibits creative output and mutilates a film to such an extent. Product placements have become one of the reasons I watch less of the big commercial films. That and that they mostly suck. "The Invasion" is a very cold and sterile film, which I guess is good, but its biggest let down is the ending. [spoiler] We defeat the invaders. [/spoiler] That's not how it ends! It ends with mankind overrun by the invaders. Stupid, moronic ending! But I guess that's PG-13 horror for you. D’oh!
16. "Incubus" (2006) - 3/10
Aaaand the Academy Award goes to.... Tara Reid! Is something you're likely to hear in Bizarro land. Crazy as this world sometimes appears this is indeed not the place where an "actress" like the good Miss Reid is taken seriously. "Incubus" is a proof of this. She does her best in a bad movie, but it just doesn't hold up. What irritated me was that it wasn't even worse, so I could really be pissed at it. Maybe I should watch "Alone in the Dark" again to nourish my hate?
15. "The Eye" (2008) - 3/10
Not that bad, but nothing compared to the superior original. Your tolerance for this movie depends much on whether it's enough for you to just look at Jessica Alba for 90 minutes. It works reasonably well for me, but I'd prefer to watch "Into the Blue" for obvious reasons. Her voiceover makes it really hard to take it seriously.
14. "One Missed Call" (2008) - 3/10
It pisses me off when I do a movie search on imdb and the inferior remake is listed first (just try here). This film hasn't got much going for it. Most of the scares are non-scary CGI effects. The ONE scene that did creep me out was a guy in a suit. Clever! Eh, is there anything more to say? If you enjoy torturing yourself with bad movies this one is a good choice.
13. "Rise"(2007) - 2/10
I was hoping for a cheap and fun Blade/Underworld knock off. Instead I got an extremely dull vampire flick that brings nothing new to the genre. There is talent in here, but the storyline only tells part of the story (maybe the longer unrated cut fixes that?). Even so the story never kept me that interested. Lucy Liu does a good job, while Michael Chicklis would have been much more fun if he'd been more Vic Mackey (The Shield) and less sappy, good guy cop. And why would Marilyn Manson want to be in this movie? And why did they let Nick Lachey into this movie? I wish it was better. I really do.
12. "Oasis of the Zombies" (1981) - 2/10
Anyone starting the Franco filmography here isn't likely to look further. It had a single inspired shot of the zombies in the dunes (echoing Shock Waves), but that is about it. I would have given it a 1, but I reserve that for the really special ones.
11. "The Grudge 2" (2006) - 2/10
I wonder if director Takashi Shimizu is in hell? He has directed both the original Ju-on: The Grudge and the American remakes. He has just finished the third one and I'm sure he'll direct the third American remake when that one comes as well. Well, I was wrong about that prediction, but am happy that Shimizu managed to save the remains of his soul. Too bad Splinter director Toby Wilkins didn't step aside. I'm savoring the third one for a terrible day of movie masochism.
10. "Cursed" (2005) - 2/10
I still haven't seen The Hills Have Eyes Part II, but it's a 80s film so I'm sure it's more fun than this film. Edited DOWN to a PG-13 I felt ripped off paying a whole 3$ for it. The highlight was seeing a statue of Hellraiser's Pinhead. I wish I was watching that one instead. Watching "Cursed" does indeed feel a lot like being subjected to the Cenobites' mercy, but without any of the pleasure aspects. Booooo!
9. "Black Christmas" (2006) - 2/10
Perhaps I should give this one a second chance, but I really hated it. A wrong kind of mean-spirited slasher.
8. "I Know Who Killed Me" (2007) - 2/10
An incredible movie! It is utter garbage. Seeing Lindsay Lohan dance is something of the most half-assed, dumb and corny stuff I've ever seen. This movie has a real mean streak to it, but it doesn't suit the rest of the movie. Nothing fits actually. I acknowledge that the director tries to be artistic, but not only does he fail, he stumbles, falls off a cliff, is impaled on razor sharp spears and is then torn to pieces by wild beasts. I have executed a DVD copy I managed to obtain. That was the way it was meant to be seen. Destroyed.
7. "The Retreat" (2005) - 2.5/10
Here is an annoying slasher that could have been decent. Emphasizing could have and decent.
6. "Dead Mary" (2007) - 2/10
Like Evil Dead without the talent, creativity, fun, gore and pretty much everything else that made Evil Dead great. Watch Evil Dead instead. Evil Dead!
5. "Haunted Forest" (2007) - 2/10
The concept wasn't half bad, but the execution was terrible. You know you're watching a bad movie, when you feel the hate is growing in you as the movie progresses (much like Luke facing the Emperor in Star Wars). Don't surrender to the dark side! "Haunted Forest" makes you frustrated and angry. As one reviewer so eloquently put it; THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
4. "The Return" (2006) - 2/10
Perhaps the dullest film I've seen all year. It has a visual style that would have worked better with another story. The script is bad with very little going on. Sarah Michelle Gellar doing nothing and when the ending finally arrives you have given up caring. Another wasted opportunity.
3. "Unearthed" (2007) - 2/10
As I put on "Dead & Breakfast" the director name seemed suspiciously familiar. Oh, no! It's the guy who directed "Unearthed", Matthew Leutwyler. Apparently given a limited theatrical in the US upon release it proves that miracles do happen. Or perhaps it's a sign of the coming apocalypse? I think the latter. The creature looks like a reason to sue for plagiarism. I hope someone did. You have a monster. All you have to do is make it kill people in cool ways. Perhaps we could have a little suspense? How about treating us to a dynamic sequence with gun action? An A-Team style montage where they make a really cunning trap to take out the creature? I’m sure you could have made something cool out of this. As "Unearthed" is, it is a painfully bad movie.
2. "April Fool's Day (2008)" - 1/10
I remember seeing the original a few years ago and being disappointed. I felt cheated. But in hindsight I think the twist is actually a brilliant stroke. Besides, I'm a sucker for that 80s charm. That was the original. This is the remake. Do not watch this film. It is NOT fun. It is a painful and sad experience. This one was dead on arrival. Don’t let the joke be on you! The second worst horror film to have crossed through my retinas.
1. "Day of the Dead 2: Contagium" (2005) - 1/10
I originally had a policy that if a movie had not entirely incompetent technical qualities I would have to give it a 2. Day of the Dead 2 changed that. It subjected me to a new dimension of what cinematic pain could be. Until this year I have not known what TRULY soul sucking, godforsaken, mind killing movies there are out there. The most incredible thing about this abomination is that they managed to make the zombies more annoying than the characters!!! How is that possible? They walk, they talk and they piss me the fuck off! Searching reviews and comments afterwards I found close to none saying they liked it or even thought it was half-way decent. This is cinematic death that needs to be contained, stopped and destroyed, exactly like the zombies in this film. Directors Ana Clavell and James Glen Dudelson have made a movie (if that's what you want to call it) far worse than anything Uwe Boll has ever created. I only hope that writing this doesn't make anyone just curious enough to seek it out. Let it be. Some things are just not meant to be. It’s officially the crappiest horror film I have ever seen.
Holy shit! Thanks for watching em, so I don't have to!:D
SvarSlett