25 bad films

Back in 2008 I took upon me the task of watching as many films as I could bare. 772 films later the year was 2009. I made a list of the 25 worst horror flicks that crossed my path that year. They are worth mentioning so you can spare yourself some time. There is actually one worth watching in there. 7 of them are remakes of all superior films. Without further ado:

25. "When a Stranger Calls" (2006) - 3/10

Boring cover. Boring movie.

Yes, it's a remake. While it isn't terrible it's clear that this is marketed at a PG-13 audience. It's too bad because this could have been a good film and it does have some pretty good moments. Simon West once made Con Air, but is now demoted to making crappy action (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider) and remake this.

24. "Lake Placid 2" (2007) - 3/10 

Cover not representative of the actual movie.  

I've read plenty of hate for this TV movie sequel. It's not a good film and the CGI is ATROCIOUS, but it provides a little gore and nudity along the way making it bearable. Just.

23. "Decoys 2: Alien Seduction" (2007) - 3/10 

 Making horny aliens boring.

The opening theme just screamed that this is a tongue-in-cheek version of Species. A little humour and a healthy dose of gratuitous nudity is all I asked for. I didn't get it. I won't be in any hurry to see the first one.

 22. "Disturbia" (2007) - 3/10

 Shameless product placement. No, it's not a Michael Bay film!

Upon viewing I was surprised that no one had sued it for plagiarizing "Rear Window". Eventually someone did. Fortunately! I have to get off my chest that I can’t stand frickin' Shia Labeouf! He spends the first 45 minutes whoring various products. "Aah! Nothing like a bottle of Coke when you're fly fishing!" Apart from the shameless product placements the film itself is moderately interesting, but it never manages to escape its cynical conception. Watch "Rear Window" instead. You'll have a much better and more satisfying time.

21. "Captivity" (2007) - 3/10

Great looking artwork. Too bad the movie is terrible. 

From the director of "The Killing Fields" and "The Mission" comes... "Captivity". What? This isn't right. This is wrong. This is very wrong. I can't believe Larry Cohen helped write the screenplay for this crap. Most of the film is just really dull. Eventually it takes some unexpectedly nasty turns, without making you care. People warned me. I should have listened.

 20. "Faust: Love of the Damned" (2000) - 2/10

 OggaboggaBOO!

Brian Yuzna is a hit-and-miss director. With Faust he misses. You will laugh in disbelief. There is definitely some creative forces at work here, but they can't make sense of it. The one thing I really noticed about the film was Jeffrey Combs' sideburns. They were cool and that should give you an indication of just how "great" this film was. Like a car wreck. You can't stop watching even though it's awful.

19. "Zombie 5: Killing Birds" (1987) - 1/10 or 10/10? 

Stupid movie needs YOUR attention! 

Here is a zen exercise of a movie! I don't hate this film, I really don't, I pity it. This is an accidental movie. It was never intended for this world. Most of the time there is nothing going on. Our dumb students are looking for birds and come across and old house. Before this they walk. Then they walk into the old house. Finally something is happening, I thought, but in an unexpected turn of events they walk OUT of the house again. They walk around sensing something is not right. Eventually they discover it. Robert Vaughn (there's an interview with him on the DVD!) has his eyes pecked out by what is presumably the killing birds accompanied by some really bad special effects. There is a zombie here too. I think. For some reason I actually recommend this film. Despite the fact that this should never have existed it, Zombie 5 somehow managed to get made. It's 90 minutes of nothingness. It's the most tranquil film I've ever seen. Weird. Really fucking weird.

18. "The Return to House on Haunted Hill" (2007) - 3/10 

 Scary to some. Painfully unconvincing to others.

They shouldn't have returned! Neither should the lousy CGI. I wish I had more to say. No, that's a lie.

17. "The Invasion" (2007) - 3/10 

Go right ahead and sleep. Everything will be perfectly fine! 

I think this concept is something worth remaking once each decade. That is unless, you make it like this. The body snatchers concept is scary as hell. Too bad Hollywood inhibits creative output and mutilates a film to such an extent. Product placements have become one of the reasons I watch less of the big commercial films. That and that they mostly suck. "The Invasion" is a very cold and sterile film, which I guess is good, but its biggest let down is the ending. [spoiler] We defeat the invaders. [/spoiler] That's not how it ends! It ends with mankind overrun by the invaders. Stupid, moronic ending! But I guess that's PG-13 horror for you. D’oh!

16. "Incubus" (2006) - 3/10

 Dull cover makes dull movie even less interesting.

Aaaand the Academy Award goes to.... Tara Reid! Is something you're likely to hear in Bizarro land. Crazy as this world sometimes appears this is indeed not the place where an "actress" like the good Miss Reid is taken seriously. "Incubus" is a proof of this. She does her best in a bad movie, but it just doesn't hold up. What irritated me was that it wasn't even worse, so I could really be pissed at it. Maybe I should watch "Alone in the Dark" again to nourish my hate?

15. "The Eye" (2008) - 3/10

 Tagline: "You won't believe her eyes." You won't care either.

Not that bad, but nothing compared to the superior original. Your tolerance for this movie depends much on whether it's enough for you to just look at Jessica Alba for 90 minutes. It works reasonably well for me, but I'd prefer to watch "Into the Blue" for obvious reasons. Her voiceover makes it really hard to take it seriously.

14. "One Missed Call" (2008) - 3/10

 At least the art department had one creative day.

It pisses me off when I do a movie search on imdb and the inferior remake is listed first (just try here). This film hasn't got much going for it. Most of the scares are non-scary CGI effects. The ONE scene that did creep me out was a guy in a suit. Clever! Eh, is there anything more to say? If you enjoy torturing yourself with bad movies this one is a good choice.

13. "Rise"(2007) - 2/10 

This actually looks pretty cool. 

I was hoping for a cheap and fun Blade/Underworld knock off. Instead I got an extremely dull vampire flick that brings nothing new to the genre. There is talent in here, but the storyline only tells part of the story (maybe the longer unrated cut fixes that?). Even so the story never kept me that interested. Lucy Liu does a good job, while Michael Chicklis would have been much more fun if he'd been more Vic Mackey (The Shield) and less sappy, good guy cop. And why would Marilyn Manson want to be in this movie? And why did they let Nick Lachey into this movie? I wish it was better. I really do. 

12. "Oasis of the Zombies" (1981) - 2/10

 Franco trying to assassinate horror fans' enthusiasm.

Anyone starting the Franco filmography here isn't likely to look further. It had a single inspired shot of the zombies in the dunes (echoing Shock Waves), but that is about it. I would have given it a 1, but I reserve that for the really special ones.

11. "The Grudge 2" (2006) - 2/10  

 It has been done before and after and done better.

I wonder if director Takashi Shimizu is in hell? He has directed both the original Ju-on: The Grudge and the American remakes. He has just finished the third one and I'm sure he'll direct the third American remake when that one comes as well. Well, I was wrong about that prediction, but am happy that Shimizu managed to save the remains of his soul. Too bad Splinter director Toby Wilkins didn't step aside. I'm savoring the third one for a terrible day of movie masochism.

10. "Cursed" (2005) - 2/10

 Cover indicating quality of movie.

I still haven't seen The Hills Have Eyes Part II, but it's a 80s film so I'm sure it's more fun than this film. Edited DOWN to a PG-13 I felt ripped off paying a whole 3$ for it. The highlight was seeing a statue of Hellraiser's Pinhead. I wish I was watching that one instead. Watching "Cursed" does indeed feel a lot like being subjected to the Cenobites' mercy, but without any of the pleasure aspects. Booooo!

9. "Black Christmas" (2006) - 2/10

 Love those glossy covers! Well, maybe not.

Perhaps I should give this one a second chance, but I really hated it. A wrong kind of mean-spirited slasher. 

8. "I Know Who Killed Me" (2007) - 2/10 

Cue George Michael - I Wanna Sex You Up! 

An incredible movie! It is utter garbage. Seeing Lindsay Lohan dance is something of the most half-assed, dumb and corny stuff I've ever seen. This movie has a real mean streak to it, but it doesn't suit the rest of the movie. Nothing fits actually. I acknowledge that the director tries to be artistic, but not only does he fail, he stumbles, falls off a cliff, is impaled on razor sharp spears and is then torn to pieces by wild beasts. I have executed a DVD copy I managed to obtain. That was the way it was meant to be seen. Destroyed.

7. "The Retreat" (2005) - 2.5/10 

 Giving bad movie another name does not help audiences!

Here is an annoying slasher that could have been decent. Emphasizing could have and decent.

6. "Dead Mary" (2007) - 2/10 

 Bored in the woods.

Like Evil Dead without the talent, creativity, fun, gore and pretty much everything else that made Evil Dead great. Watch Evil Dead instead. Evil Dead!

5. "Haunted Forest" (2007) - 2/10

 Bored in the forest. The Haunted Forest!

The concept wasn't half bad, but the execution was terrible. You know you're watching a bad movie, when you feel the hate is growing in you as the movie progresses (much like Luke facing the Emperor in Star Wars). Don't surrender to the dark side! "Haunted Forest" makes you frustrated and angry. As one reviewer so eloquently put it; THIS MOVIE SUCKS!

4. "The Return" (2006) - 2/10 

 Illustration of you watching this movie.

Perhaps the dullest film I've seen all year. It has a visual style that would have worked better with another story. The script is bad with very little going on. Sarah Michelle Gellar doing nothing and when the ending finally arrives you have given up caring. Another wasted opportunity.

3. "Unearthed" (2007) - 2/10

 I think it's supposed to look cool?

As I put on "Dead & Breakfast" the director name seemed suspiciously familiar. Oh, no! It's the guy who directed "Unearthed", Matthew Leutwyler. Apparently given a limited theatrical in the US upon release it proves that miracles do happen. Or perhaps it's a sign of the coming apocalypse? I think the latter. The creature looks like a reason to sue for plagiarism. I hope someone did. You have a monster. All you have to do is make it kill people in cool ways. Perhaps we could have a little suspense? How about treating us to a dynamic sequence with gun action? An A-Team style montage where they make a really cunning trap to take out the creature? I’m sure you could have made something cool out of this. As "Unearthed" is, it is a painfully bad movie.

2. "April Fool's Day (2008)" - 1/10

The cover gets the look of the film. That terrible, soulless look. 

I remember seeing the original a few years ago and being disappointed. I felt cheated. But in hindsight I think the twist is actually a brilliant stroke. Besides, I'm a sucker for that 80s charm. That was the original. This is the remake. Do not watch this film. It is NOT fun. It is a painful and sad experience. This one was dead on arrival. Don’t let the joke be on you! The second worst horror film to have crossed through my retinas.

1. "Day of the Dead 2: Contagium" (2005) - 1/10

"What? Is it really that bad?" - One less annoying zombie coming up!

I originally had a policy that if a movie had not entirely incompetent technical qualities I would have to give it a 2. Day of the Dead 2 changed that. It subjected me to a new dimension of what cinematic pain could be. Until this year I have not known what TRULY soul sucking, godforsaken, mind killing movies there are out there. The most incredible thing about this abomination is that they managed to make the zombies more annoying than the characters!!! How is that possible? They walk, they talk and they piss me the fuck off! Searching reviews and comments afterwards I found close to none saying they liked it or even thought it was half-way decent. This is cinematic death that needs to be contained, stopped and destroyed, exactly like the zombies in this film. Directors Ana Clavell and James Glen Dudelson have made a movie (if that's what you want to call it) far worse than anything Uwe Boll has ever created. I only hope that writing this doesn't make anyone just curious enough to seek it out. Let it be. Some things are just not meant to be. It’s officially the crappiest horror film I have ever seen.

Journey to Japan (1973)

  

There’s something about Christina Lindberg…

The lovely Christina Lindberg plays Ingrid Jacobsen. On a trip to Japan she accidentally enters the wrong car. The driver is a sexually frustrated loner, who after a little while decides to keep her. He proceeds to rape her and hold her captive. A couple of days later she escapes only to be subjected to a gangbang by more naughty Japanese men. Her former kidnapper later finds her and takes her back home with him. There are some gangsters and a policemen looking for Ingrid as well.

The story is about as complicated as you would expect from a piece of 70s erotica. Story has nothing to do with why you could find yourself watching this movie. It’s our Swedish starlet Christina Lindberg we’re here to watch. Lindberg was in her prime at this time and the Japanese market was eager to get a slice of her. They got what they wanted. She really has a presence about her. Lindberg encompasses the innocent and naïve, while simultaneously being very sexual. That contrast is quite alluring. She is darned cute as well. Fittingly enough Lindberg seems to develop the “Stockholm syndrome” during the movie. I guess anything that could be related Sweden here is worth a go. Strangely enough there is actually a minor conversation about Sweden as a welfare state. Ingrid finds it boring, since it plans your whole life. She’s not interested in that. The conversation, with her soon to be rapists, also dips into the idea of Swedish free love and how the Japanese perceive it. Hmm, maybe there is more to Journey to Japan after all?

Strikingly sexy even when held captive. 

Our poor frustrated male lead works out alright. He is played by Ichirô Araki an actor who has been in other more notorious films like, Girl Boss Revenge: Sukeban and Zero Woman: Red Handcuffs. Araki is responsible for the movie’s score as well. Today he is apparently more famous as a magician, specializing in card tricks. It’s funny how life can turn out. Anyway, it’s interesting to see him go from hopeless loner to kidnapper and rapist. Perhaps that line is shorter than we think? I find it strange watching. He seems like a decent guy even if he is shy. The music plays feel-good tones. So when he decides to rape her it comes off as an odd contrast. I wish the director would have explored the power domination angle further, because it keeps reappearing in a lot of these Japanese films. Check out Entrails of a Virgin for another example.

I really like Christina Lindberg. She remains one of exploitation and soft core sleaze’s undisputed goddesses. If you can take joy in seeing her raped and humiliated and even the occasional consensual sex scene go right ahead. But she has made better and more interesting films. If you’re going to start anywhere in her filmography begin with Thriller – en grym film and Sex and Fury. Both are phenomenal films. If you want something more tender and innocent go for Anita. Journey to Japan remains one of Lindberg’s two Japanese efforts and is worth a look for fans. Others may want to give this one a miss.

5/10

Thank you to Another World Entertainment for making this piece of old school sleaze available to new generations of filth aficionados.

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1988)

 

  

B-movie delight!

A nuclear holocaust nearly wipes out mankind in the near future. Out of the chaos giant mutant frogs evolve and the remaining humans decides to wage war on them as well. However, most men and women are left infertile. Mankind’s best hope is to impregnate as many women as possible. Enter Sam Hell (love that name!). He is an unusually fertile man and is enlisted by the US Government, what’s left anyway, to save and impregnate a group of women held captive in Frogtown. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it!

Well, that sounds like a winning recipe in my book! Now, I wonder how many porn films that have had this basic storyline as a starting point? Surely, there has to be several! Perhaps they would make a nice double-bill with this one? It opens in a Mad Max II-esque style and we’re treated to a cool opening montage promising us tough men, hot women and guns. I was certainly hooked from the get-go. It holds back (probably due to budget), but manages to whet your appetite. You want to see how this one plays out!

Our reluctant hero Sam Hell is played by wrestling star Roddy Piper, who later that very same year starred in John Carpenter’s excellent They Live. Piper works incredibly well in the movie and has an instantly likable quality to him. He’s initially only interested in himself and boasts a wonderfully entertaining ego to go with that. As the movie progresses Hell evolves. That doesn’t mean he’s unable to spout cheesy lines line at any given moment. My favorite from him is probably when he comes blazing in, one shotgun in each hand to deliver the immortal lines: “Eat lead, froggies!” If that doesn’t make your day I don’t know what does. Oh, and poor Sam is given a sort of chastity belt to monitor his, eh, powerful weapon. The US government takes care of its investments! They also rig it with explosives should he try to run away. Along for the ride is a female government scientist, who makes sure Hell gets the job done. She is trained in the art of arousing and walks around in a white coat with her hair up and huge glasses. Incredibly enough Sam, and we, discovers that when she lets down her hair, loses the glasses and decides on a more exposing outfit that this is one hot babe! Yes, we like hot babes in our fun little movie. Again it makes me wonder just how many movies there are out there where an incredibly attractive woman is being held back by a couple of hairpins and a pair of glasses. Not Another Teen Movie riffs on this with great success. The soldier in the party is the ever so deadly and ever so sexy Centinella. Together they go on a great adventure.

A scientist trained in the art of arousal. It's the new kind of scientist. 

Hell Comes to Frogtown is a perfect example of creativity and can-do attitude overcoming budgetary restraints. I doubt you expect something very epic from the title, but the makers really make the most out of what they have and it looks great. A minor move they make is to wait with showing us the mutant frogs and there is a whole little variety! They go from the more simple looking ones to some quite advanced ones. The villain frog has a seriously great looking mask! Where on Earth do they make such art today?

Another excellent moment in Hell Comes to Frogtown. 

One of Hell Comes to Frogtown’s biggest strengths is it awareness and acceptance of what it is. This is a raunchy b-movie. That is why we get nudity, profanity and violence (though fairly tame). It’s actually quite tastefully done though. For my money they could have taken it further, but I’m not complaining. Acceptance of this leaves the creators to go out and have more fun with it, taking us along for the journey. I mean where else can you see a giant, chainsaw wielding mutant frog say: “I gotta tell you, you are one weird dude.” That is QUALITY film making in my book! There are minor details such as the “No condoms” sign, I found pretty funny and backwards. Remember, humanity is your responsibility!

Hell Comes to Frogtown is a great little treat for fans of 80s movies. It never takes itself seriously and keeps things moving along at a comfortable pace. I was never bored. Recommended!

7.5/10

By the way, the UK region 2 DVD has a great commentary with director Donald G. Jackson and writer Randall Frakes. It’s inspiring listening for anyone interested in 80s b-movies or wanna-be filmmakers.

The Station Agent (2003)

 

If you haven’t already seen this film please do so before reading further.

In 2003 a buddy of mine was working at a local rental store. I of course took advantage of this opportunity and one of the films I decided to pick with me was The Station Agent. Little did I know this would be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The story seems simple enough. Finbar McBride works in a store selling train models with his friend Henry. Fin is a dwarf and as we quickly learn, that does not go unnoticed. After Henry dies Fin inherits an old train station our in Newfoundland, New Jersey. Eager to be left alone he moves out there. Life has a few other plans for him though.

The Norwegian tagline reads: “Loneliness is much better when you have got someone to share it with.” I wholeheartedly agree. Is there in the end anyone who really just wants to be left alone? Fin says so at one point, but we know he doesn’t mean it. Loneliness is the common denominator in The Station Agent. There are different reasons for their loneliness, but our three main characters all realize that being together makes them stronger. Fin feels lonely based on how people react to his physical being. As he puts it himself: “It's funny how people see me and treat me, since I'm really just a simple, boring person.” He is right. But he isn’t entirely comfortable about who he is, or rather uncomfortable with how people perceive him. Fin is being put to the test several times in the movie. One particularly poignant one is young Cleo, who wants him to hold a lecture on trains for her class. Fin knows that children usually don’t sugarcoat their thoughts and opinions and is afraid of this if he shows up. Does he eventually rise to the occasion? That would be a big loud YES! It’s a great scene. The first scene we actually see Fin truly comfortable with his new friends is down by the water with Olivia, while Joe is up at her house cooking dinner. She asks him why he moved to Newfoundland. Fin leans forward and jokingly says: “I wanted to live near Joe!” They both laugh. He has finally let down his guard and can be himself. You’re happy for him.

Olivia’s loneliness stems from the loss of her son. Every nuance of her performance is praise worthy. “He fell off the monkey bars”, she tells Fin. You take an extra deep breath and sigh. Just like that. One minute he’s alive and then blackness. We see this enormous amount of pain conveyed through Olivia and you heart goes out to her. Like everyone she has better days and worse days. In those darkest moments of loneliness you need someone to hold your hand, look you in the eyes and say everything is going to be alright. I know I want that. True friends come through here. A great scene showing Olivia’s feelings is when one of her city friends stops by. Olivia sees her coming and immediately runs out explaining she’s in a hurry. Her city friend still manages to sneak in: “How are you?” Olivia smiles bravely and responds “I’m… I’m good.” There is so much strength in that smile I’m not quite sure how she manages to focus mentally and physically to it. Behind the façade of a smile lies a mourning woman. I feel like giving her a hug. Let all those bottled up emotions flow freely. It’s okay. But her friend doesn’t know the right way to reach her.

Joe’s loneliness is a different one. Apart from a father who’s sick (though we never know how ill) and a boring job he is a very outgoing guy. “He does enjoy life”, as Olivia puts it. She is right. Joe is just an all around pleasant guy to be with. Still, you notice he longs for someone to be with. I find one dialogue exchange between him and Fin just after Olivia has left particularly describing:

Joe: Hey listen, if you guys do something later, can I join you?

Fin: We're not gonna do something.

Joe: No, I know, but if you do, can I join you?

Fin: We're not gonna do something later.

Joe: Okay, but, if you do?

Fin: Okay.

Joe: Cool.

It’s an incredibly funny scene, with an increasingly annoyed Fin. Most people would have settled for Fin’s initial response, but Joe keeps on pushing. He’s not trying to be a jerk, but seems unable to take the hint. Fin understands this and so to end it he accepts Joe’s wish. And later on they do actually do something together. Joe’s wish becomes reality. I’m absolutely fascinated with this character. Granted his life doesn’t appear very exciting, but his wish for meaningful relationships with others is candid and beautiful. So while there is no great tragedy in his life, or other things to stigmatize him he still feels like an outsider. I can relate, but I still wonder why. Joe’s character very much personifies a childlike curiosity. At one point he asks Fin an uncomfortable question. You understand his curiosity. It’s not meant as something crude, but comes from a sincere place. Fin clearly finds it unpleasant and you understand this perfectly as well.

Three lonely souls have found each other. 

Apart from Fin, Olivia and Joe there are other minor characters that will win you over too. The librarian Emily (Michelle Williams) acts so naturally I cannot help but feel a little crush. Lynn Cohen playing Patty is quite funny, while being equally part insensitive. She always leaves me slightly shocked. Some people! Then there is Raven Goodwin as Cleo. While young she proves just how much wisdom kids have if we only listen.

I have to praise director Thomas McCarthy. His script is original and compelling. The characters he’s written are real human beings with all that entails. You are reminded just how satisfying a good character driven film can be. It avoids banalities and cheap sentimentality and allows you to genuinely care about what happens to them. While he does this The Station Agent is filled with warm humor as well. It works great in balancing out the more serious undertones in the film. McCarthy’s attention to details is staggering and always leaves me with new impressions when watching it. It’s obvious that he gets along with his cast. I recommend listening to the audio commentary with McCarthy and his three stars. They talk and joke lovingly about each other and the movie. You feel those good vibrations they had making it coming off the screen. It’s a rare heartfelt effort.

Apart from perhaps a wish of living in this reality a little longer, I have absolutely no complaints. The directing, writing and acting is ace. Stephen Trask’s score is charming and gently balances the careful tones with the more energy filled tracks. They all have a discreet optimism running through them. Editing is done in a fashion that suits the film and the mental state of our characters perfectly; unhurried and careful.

The Station Agent is an epic film in small scale. Some may find it trivial, which is a shame because there is such greatness in every frame. A lot of its power lies in the moments of silence. They speak volumes about our characters and will frequently have you smiling. The end is perfect. Life goes on, yet we leave with a feeling that things will be alright.

I find The Station Agent to be a profoundly human experience. Like great art can, it conveys ideas about the human condition in a way that resonate. If you’ve ever felt lonely chances are you can resonate with The Station Agent. For me it remains the single most uplifting film ever made. Merely thinking about it is enough to produce a smile on my face. I hope by this review that I somehow manage to do some slight justice to the film and that you remember to let your friends know how much you appreciate them.

10/10

De dødes tjern aka Lake of the Dead (1958)

  

Old school Norwegian horror.

De dødes tjern opens with a shot of the lake accompanied by Gunnar Sønstevold’s haunting score. A couple of lines from Ibsen are uttered. Cut to crime writer Bernhard Borge praising his own ingenuity. He is pulled back into reality by his wife Sonja for ripping off the great Norwegian writer to use in his simple crime story. Their bickering is loving and honest. Wasting no time, Bernhard proceeds to tell how the story begins; six friends a late summer day. They’re on a train on their way to cabin in the woods. Everyone is happy jokes are thrown left and right. The friends are supposed to meet Bjørn at the cabin, but he hasn’t been heard from for some time. Lillian, Bjørn’s sister, says she senses he’s in danger. They arrive and a scared Bernhard is pushed into the abandoned cabin by his wife. Henki Kolstad, playing Bernhard, is a joy to behold. He pulls out one witty remark after another and it’s great to see a male main character being so constantly scared. My favorite lines in the movie come when Bernard suddenly sees his wife in a tasteful one-piece swimming outfit and exclaims in shock: “No! Look at that! What are you doing? Are you an exhibitionist? No, common decency sure isn’t what it used to be! Or when he proclaims: “Half a pint isn’t a beer!” Try not smile. I dare you.

As the movie progresses we learn about the legend of lake Blue and strange things start happening. It isn’t exactly a groundbreaking story, but it is done in such a way it’s hard not to like.

The acting feels a bit theatrical, but I’m not sure if it is really the case. Norwegians have a rumor for being somewhat stiff and whether or not this is how we behaved in the fifties I dare not say. The lake works great as a location. It doesn’t appear scary when casting a glance, but there is something about it, almost hypnotizing. The lake drags as our curious characters soon discover. I wasn’t really expecting much from the cinematography, but it frequently proved to be a real treat. It uses crooked angles to great effect and especially one scene where the camera moves forward towards the lake, pushing branches away had me nodding in approval. It even has an underwater shot! There are some exceptional scenes in De dødes tjern. The light of the lake reflecting on the people while a moody harp plays, gives the film an effectively eerie tone. Or one scene in particular, where Lillian is sleepwalking towards the lake echoes the Val Lewton productions of the 40s. It reminds me of just how effective the less-is-more approach can be. The talk about psychoanalysis may seem dated or a bit too explanatory to us in this day and age, but I really didn’t mind.

 Hauntingly beautiful.

I need to stress how big a part the humor plays and how well it works. There is almost at any given time a joke or a funny line around the corner, without it feeling overwhelming. It’s refreshingly free of the banalities we’ve come to expect from modern films. Some are likely to find the humor too naïve, but I don’t doubt its sincerity. It’s supposed to be dry. Standing in opposition to this is suspense and some genuinely scary scenes.

Another thing I noted was one of the characters wearing a formal shirt and tie. Again, I’m not sure how strict we were in Norway in the 50s, but I’m guessing wearing an outfit like that wasn’t a regular thing when going camping. As for the ending, without revealing too much, it might irritate some, in how it wraps everything into a neat little package. Or does it?

At the modest running time of just under 74 minutes, De dødes tjern never outstays its welcome. If anything it could have been longer. The story compels, the characters are interesting, the humor warm and the scares genuine. De dødes tjern has finally been released on DVD in Norway with the option for English subtitles. I urge horror fans to seek this treasure out and give it the attention it sorely deserves. It’s the finest horror film to come out of Norway.

9/10

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004)

 

Hmm…

The power of the Internet made me aware of this movie several years back. Everyone who had and hadn’t seen it kept raving about what a sick piece of shit this film was. Of course this made me curious, but there are so many movies I would rather watch. It was outright banned in Great Britain when they tried to release it there on DVD. This of course made it even more interesting. Could it possibly be that horrendous? In my native country of Norway, this wasn’t really an issue until it was banned in the UK. Then all of a sudden leader of the Culture- and Family Committee at Parliament, May Helen Molvær Grimstad, went out and said she was skeptical about Norway approving a movie the Brits rejected. She said that people subjected to violence and violations need protection and there is plenty of violence in society, without having it as entertainment as well. Now, Murder-Set-Pieces had been out in Norwegian stores before this happened. There are no reports of people being traumatized or going on a killing-spree after watching it here. Furthermore Grimstad clearly showed her lack of insight by singling out that particular film. There are far worse films released in Norway. The distributor Another World Entertainment felt confident that it wouldn’t be banned seeing as how it was in the same genre as Hostel, Saw and the likes. They were wrong. Murder-Set-Pieces became banned in Norway. Now, I haven’t been able to track down any official information that confirms this. However, the fact that Another World Entertainment has withdrawn it from Norwegian stores, should indicate that it is true. Now I absolutely positively had to see this movie. But still I felt no immediate urge. I mean, it’s not like there’s any problem acquiring the film if you really want to. Anyway, let’s see what all the fuss is about.

Murder-Set-Pieces tells the simple story of Sven Garrett, known only as The Photographer, who is, drum roll, a photographer! But he is a photographer with a partiality for torture and murder! In sin city Las Vegas all bets are off!

Director Nick Palumbo is out for blood. His aim is to make a movie that will shock and repulse you. I can certainly respect his ambitions, but does he succeed?

Moments of misery. 

Garrett’s portrayal of the serial-killing psychopath is alright, if unspectacular. He does what is required of him, nothing more and nothing less. His face of steel even makes Steven Seagal look like a man with a thousand faces. He looks pretty scary though and I certainly wouldn’t want to pick a fight with him. Some motivation would have been interesting, but Palumbo isn’t interested in exploring this. Maybe that’s a good thing in the end?

There is the odd moment of humor. The little sister of a woman Garrett is dating decides to snoop around and sees a WWII picture of Hitler and some German soldiers. He catches her and comments that his grandfather is on that picture. “He was a hero.” “But wasn’t he German,” she retorts. Smart kid! At least someone has been paying attention in history! Mr. Psycho doesn’t reply. Another thing I found darkly funny was the Photographer’s fondness for shouting in German when torturing and killing his victims. He doesn’t appear to be the brightest of serial killers, but actually bilingual!

There are a couple of cameos in the film that will make the eccentric fan at least raise an eyebrow. Gunnar Hansen of Texas Chain Saw Massacre fame makes a short appearance as a Nazi mechanic, without really adding or detracting anything from the movie. I’m sure Palumbo was pleased with having him on board. Tony Todd’s contribution as clerk at an adult movie store is slightly more interesting. Garrett keeps harassing him about a particular movie he’s interested in, Nutbag. It’s a snuff film of course! Nutbag is also one of Palumbo’s earlier efforts. That’s some shameless self-promotion right there! Todd becomes pissed, which isn’t exactly surprising when an obnoxious psychopath is demanding attention. I was reminded just how powerful Todd’s voice really is. Too bad he couldn’t put it to use on something else.

So, just how horrible is Murder-Set-Pieces? Well, I certainly expected more from this film. This is supposed to be a more is more kind of gore-epic. And by all means, we get a variety of gruesome stuff. However, I still felt Murder-Set-Pieces showed restraint. That’s right! I highly doubt the casual viewer would say that, but then again, they’re not likely to watch this movie. Why weren’t we treated to more explicit footage when Garrett used a chainsaw? Show me dismemberment! Not before or after. Show me during, because that is the kind of movie Murder-Set-Pieces is supposed to be. The most disturbing scenes aren’t really that graphic at all. It shows our bloody psychopath picking up a baby. He holds him right in front of his face without flinching. You can see that child is scared and reacting, not acting. I wonder if he’s had nightmares about it? Next we see the child walk over to his dead mother. Palumbo manages to create something highly unpleasant here. I’ll give him that.

One of the films more disturbing moments. 

Murder-Set-Pieces was released the year after king of the sick hill, so far anyway, August Underground’s Mordum came. Would I have been more revolted by this had I not seen Mordum first? It’s possible, but it doesn’t change anything. You can trust Murder-Set-Pieces to be reasonably upsetting, but overall it’s not as gruesome as you’ve been lead to believe. Fans of the extreme should check it out. An okay film, sorely lacking the punch I expected.

5/10

The Black Gestapo (1975)

They’re not going to take it anymore!

General Ahmed is leading an inner-city People’s Army in Watts to help them with their many problems. White hoodlums run extortion, prostitution, drugs and whatever bad people do. This is bad for the community. Ahmed is frustrated. His second in command, Kojah, therefore takes initiative to form squad that can protect the citizens. Ahmed accepts under certain conditions, not knowing what is lying ahead…

The first part of the movie shows just how scummy the white villains are. “These blacks love smack”, says one of them and they all laugh an evil laugh. Big black sunglasses and a conspicuous moustache seem to be what works for them. That is until Kojah’s vigilante squad is formed. He even starts a training camp. It’s great when people show initiative. Kojah wants to make a statement to the naughty gangsters and does so by cutting off thug and rapist Vito’s nuts. It reminded me of a certain scene in I Spit on Your Grave. Perhaps Meir Zarchi found some inspiration here? Anyway, as the vigilante squad ups the ante even more our white gangsters become increasingly scared. Their leader is NOT happy with this. “They leaned on us real hard Vince!” Vince does not find that answer satisfactory. After giving them a lecture they all leave, except for Joe. “Joe, I just don’t want to you to feel that I don’t like you. Yeah Vince?” he smiles optimistically. “You see it’s just that I think you’re the dumbest fuck in the world. Thanks Vince. You’re welcome Joe.” Joe leaves. That’s some quality dialogue right there! The vigilante squad manages to scare them away. Meanwhile General Ahmed learns that Kojah has become even worse than the common gangsters. Being the cool cat that he is, he makes a couple of counterstrikes before going in like a one man army to end Kojah’s reign of terror.

 A different kind of Neo-Nazi.

Kojah and his soldiers aren’t really given any time to make their transformation believable. It seems like they just wake up and scream “VENGANCE!” Frost makes the Nazi parallel pretty clear. We see them in their Nazi like uniforms doing the arm gesture while “sieg heil” plays over. There is something profoundly strange about seeing this. Too bad he didn’t spend more time polishing the script.

The Black Gestapo isn’t by any means a great exploitation film. While it features gratuitous nudity the violence is quite tame. There is some cool cinematography and a soundtrack that manages to be insanely funky at times. It’s no masterpiece, but it kept me reasonably entertained. Mr. Frost’s effort has encouraged me to seek out more of his catalogue. Besides, you can’t entirely dismiss a movie with a title as great as this one.

5/10