1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)

 

Let’s go to the Bronx!

The year is 1990 and Bronx has been officially declared ”No man’s land”. A young woman, Ann, seeks refuge in this hellhole. She is rescued from one of the naughty gangs by the good gang of merry Bronx warriors led by Trash and his hairdo. Of course evil forces desperately wants Ann back and so Trash and his crew must fight their way as she is kidnapped by rival gang The Zombies. There are also the evil corporate scumbags pulling strings to make sure she ends back with them.

1990: Bronx Warriors is one of those glorious 80s Italian cheese fests that liberally rips off other post-apocalyptic films, most notably The Warriors. The story isn’t anything groundbreaking, nor does it have to be. Keep it simple and keep it fun. We have all the ingredients for a great time. Walter Rizzati’s main theme is a supremely cool synthesizer track fitting the movie well. Some of the other tracks feel a bit overboard, but it doesn’t hurt the film. The track as the Warriors burn two of their fallen comrades has an epic tone way grander than anything this movie could ever aspire to be. There is a certain authenticity to the film with the exterior shots from the Bronx. You can see cars driving over to Manhattan and you know that the people driving there are real people who just happened to drive by at the time. This place down by the water must be a cheap place to film because I’ve seen scenes from both Fulci’s New York Ripper and Joe D’Amato’s Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals around this area. It’s even more interesting in short shots where you can see random people in the background where there isn’t supposed to be anyone. There is no budget to clear the streets and so they don’t. I find it charming. It’s reality sneaking into our fun little escapist adventure.

 Our very macho hero Trash reflecting on the small things in life.

Bronx Warriors also features some great characters. The hero of the film Trash (Mark Gregory) constantly walks around like he has a dildo up his ass. In fact he may deserve a spot in the Ministry of Silly Walks. There really isn’t much of a personality shining through here. Fortunately, his walk, too tight jeans and extremely powerful hair redeems him. He also has some memorable lines like: “Clever? What do you mean?” Vic Morrow plays a real badass gun-for-hire named Hammer. The strange thing is that he goes from playing an icy cool, quiet cat to an all out crazy Nazi-like madman towards the end. I’m happy for Hammer that he gets the opportunity to experience a power trip after lurking around for most of the movie. At one point Hot Dog says to Hammer: “You’re playing with fire.” His response: “I know. I love it.” A short pause follows, then: “I love it.” It’s a supremely weird and funny moment. I wonder if this scene has served as inspiration for Lt. Frank Drebin’s codeword in Naked Gun 2 ½? “What’s that smell? I’ve been swimming in raw sewage. I love it. [Pause] I love  it."

Fred Williamson, who’s also in Castellari’s similarly themed flick The New Barbarians, looks like a real player. The wardrobe department must have liked the great Williamson because he has the best outfit of the bunch. I’ve never quite understood why they would call his character The Ogre though (or the hero Trash for that matter). Fred is also the most convincing guy in the fight sequences. I don’t mind seeing that people obviously aren’t being hit or kicked in a movie like this, but “The Hammer” puts up a bloody good show. I love it when he says to his scantily clad, fighting female helper; “You’ve been using your whip again!” She responds: “Just like you taught me.” Yes sir, that Mr. Williamson is PIMP! Last but not least giant George Eastman has an all too short role as leader of The Zombies. Standing 206 cm tall in a fairly cheesy costume and boasting a truly ridiculous and unpractical pony tail, that would make even Steven Seagal blush, he is a sight to see.

1990: Bronx Warriors has all these wonderful elements and some decent action with real stunts. Castellari, like so many other times, frequently uses slow-motion to great effect. He shoots with three cameras that all operate at different speeds. Not too shabby! The evil corporate henchmen use flame throwers, which is always cool. We need more flamethrower action in movies! The dialogue is the stuff of entertainment. My favorite line is: “You fuck! It could be a pile of shit out of someone’s asshole!” They sure knew how to write back in the 80s! While the movie isn’t likely to set anyone’s world on fire it remains a highly enjoyable piece of 80s goodness. And in all honesty, what would anyone expect from a title like 1990: Bronx Warriors?

7.5/10